Burger Heaven, New Westminster

Is it? Heaven? I mean, they have this sign:

And a fancy framed certificate saying they have the best burger in New West.

And they have a quirky thing where you can get a t-shirt if you eat a stupid amount of hamburger in one sitting. 

And laser cut stuff on the walls too. It must be the best burger place ever. Ever.

So what kind of burgers do you get in Burger Heaven.... I got a classic with cheese, bacon, and mushrooms. And potato wedges. No fries. Just potato wedges.

My dining partner got a lamb burger with guacamole and onion rings.















How was it? Of course that's the question we need to ask.

It was good.

Maybe it's time I develop a rating system. Bun. Meat. Toppings. Service. Sides.

Meat: 8/10

It was good. Both the lamb and the beef were good. Juicy patties that were well cooked, substantial with good flavour, the meat was good.

Bun: 4/10

White bread bullshit. The buns were soft, but too thick, and no crustiness to make holding in the juices any better. Or the most part they got soggy really quickly and started to fall apart.

Toppings: 7/10 Guacamole? For real? It was good. But the bacon was thin and relatively tasteless, and everything else was just alright. Nothing was bad, but neither was anything overly memorable. That being said, it came together to make a tasty burger.

Service: 9/10 These guys were ready to take our order before I'd even noticed there was a menu on the table. They were on it. They helped guide us through the menu, explained anything that might have been quirky, and got our order in quick.

Sides: 8/10 Damn fine onion rings. And I'm not usually a fan of potato wedges, they are usually too much potato, and almost always pale in comparison to traditional fries. These were pleasantly delicious, and having a bowl of gravy (kept warm by a tea light, so pro) to help didn't hurt.

Maybe one more category? Beer?

Beer; They had some. It was mostly main stream and boring. In the 21st Century, and with so many micro brews on the west coast, I hoped they would have added at least one interesting beer to their beer list, maybe even two. Alas, there were none. And the wines they offered were "red" and "white." So the beer gets 3/10.

So there it is, 6 categories rated out of 10. We add that up to get 40 out of 60, or about 6.6 out of 10.

I don't know if that's fair. The burger was really good, but I wished it had a better bun. And service was good, I'd go there again. What it comes down to is a shitty bun and crappy beer. One could argue beer has very little to do with the rating of the quality of a burger. The bun does make up half of a good burger so maybe it deserves to lose points for that.

So, I'm going to interject, rating system be damned. Burger Heaven makes a damn fine burger. Or at the very least, they make a really inoffensive burger that will satisfy most burger fans, though it may not be super impressive. It's a great patty, with good toppings and sides. And the service was great. That damn bun though. If only there was a decent beer to wash it all down with.

      

The Whip Makes a Hamburger. And Fries.

The Whip. This one was supposed to be a ringer. I've eaten burgers here before and have always been impressed. Always.

The menu hasn't changed in ages. Not just in content but the actual menu hasn't changed in ages. The edges were dog eared and all those spots are grease and stains and spills which is a bit off putting but I wasn't there to eat the menu.

I was there to eat that simple, honest, maybe a bit expensive burger. Beef, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and house sauce. Nothing complicated. Not over thought. I like that.

So there it is, fancy little curled up pickle on top, brioche bun, green onions mixed in with the fries, and garlic mayo on the side to dip your fries into.

Here's the problem, it's that bun. Beautifully golden and glazed like it might be a jewel but the bread was stale and had too much body and the burger wasn't greasy enough to overcome the dryness of eating too much bun. That's the other problem, not that burgers need to be overwhelming, this one was a bit thin. Extra lean beef sounds like a good idea when making a burger but the extra fat in a lean grind vs the extra lean makes for a crispier, juicier burger that handles the bun and mixes with the dressing better. This burger would have been better fattier. Maybe the kitchen was having a bad day. Maybe they bought too many buns a couple of days ago and are pushing through the stale ones. Maybe it's just not a good burger anymore. It used to be an amazing burger, it used to be a burger I craved and didn't mind paying a little extra for, today not so much.  Oh yeah, burger and fries, and two pints of beer came to $30 before tip. That doesn't make me happy either.

The fries were brilliant though. Absolutely brilliant. Some of the best I've ever had.

La Brasserie

What do the French know about burgers? Well, there's French fries, the ubiquitous side dish for burgers so they are half there, no?

I don't know, but a number of people think La Brasserie might make the best burger in town. So I gave it a try.

This is what they call a burger:

Taller than it is wide, with a fucking cornichon pegged to it with a toothpick. A burger, with a French pickle, I guess that makes it a French burger.

I'm reviewing this a couple of weeks after I ate it so the details aren't super clear but I do remember the onions being more memorable than the meat. That's not a good start. I mean, look how many there are? I pealed off a few, ate a few by themselves, and as they are they are fine. Good even, but when you pack your mouth full of them expecting delicous fried ground beef they become a distraction. I would suggest it's not good to distract from the star of a burger, the beef patty.

The patty itself didn't have a good sear. It was cooked but without any crunchiness from the frying. The result was something with  a bit of an odd consistency, mushy, not particularly juicy. The grind on the beef was a bit too consistent, too fine perhaps, and not fatty enough. You won't get the crusty exterior if there isn't enough fat in the burger, it won't stew in itself on the fryer. Sometimes the best cut of meat for a burger isn't the best cut of meat, if you get what I mean.

Did it taste bad? Well, no. It was actually a pretty good burger. But it was $19 with fries. For the price you might expect more. It was probably overthought a little, or a lot. A cheaper cut of meat and fewer onions, and a real pickle would help a lot, and dropping the price to $17 would allow the customer to rationalize buying a burger just over $15 which is acceptable vs. buying a burger that's almost $20 which had better be a pretty amazing burger. It wasn't an amazing burger. It was an alright burger. Barely an alright burger.

Slocan Family Restaurant

UPDATE: Everything I wrote below was true but I revisited the Slocan recently and it was, well, it was pretty bad. I had told friends that it was good before based on my last experience and managed to convince a small group of them to make the trip to Slocan and Hastings for lunch. The burger was bland, the bun not so great, and the whole experience was pretty mediocre. So it would seem the Slocan is hit and miss at best. Anyway, feel free to read the rest of the review but don't put too much stock in it. Thanks.

 I'm going to admit I'm cautious about revisiting this medium. It's been over a year since I've been here and it would have been easy to let this blog, like so many others, die an uneventful death. But I still long for a good hamburger. It's not that I even like hamburgers that much but I still feel the ability to get a good hamburger is a barometer of the general culinary health of a city. Since starting this blog, and abandoning it, I've found a couple of good hamburgers. I'm maybe a little afraid to write about those experiences because if I look back at this blog I see two other burgers that I would suggest were "pretty good," even if one was just a fast food burger chain burger. Both Harvey's and The Three Lions have disappeared since I've reviewed them. Those brief, glimmering moments of burger hope crushed out before their time. Well, Harvey's as a chain still survives but the revered Home Depot location is no more and other locations are rare events in this city. There's rumors of one opening on Granville Street but trips to Granville Street for a fast food burger seems unlikely.

That brings us to the Slocan Family Restaurant on Hastings St E at, surprise, Slocan.

 I've complained to friends before about the lack of decent hamburgers in this city and one of them mentioned the Slocan Family Restaurant as being quite good and as I was out walking and feeling a bit hungry I happened upon it quite by accident. The sign out front says, "Eat and Drink here" and so I went in.

The BurgerBeer special is becoming quite popular in Vancouver, decent burgers to go with those beers still a challenge to find though. The Slocan offered their version of this, a burger and a beer for a quite affordable $10. I was sold. Then the waitress pointed out that the burger would be the "basic" and the beer would be Old Milwaukee. While I was quite alright with the latter it wouldn't be fair to rank a burger sans cheese and bacon amongst others that came so adorned. "Cheese and bacon please and thank you. The upcharge will surely be worth it." The total came to $14 with tax and it was worth it.

Seriously.

The burger came so fast I barely put a dent in my beer and the glass was even still frosty. And the burger was fantastic.

The patty was home made and juicy. Pretty sure the Slocan doesn't have anything "extra lean" in their fridges. Frying a burger in its own grease promises just the right amount of crispyness sealing in the juices and making for a tasty burger. The bacon was thick and delightfully fatty and the cheese was plentiful. The bun was just crusty enough to not go soggy and was nicely toasted and fried. Warming the bun is a professional touch but grilling the cut part does wonders for stopping the burger from turning to mush.

A generous slice of tomato and some mayo made for a near perfect burger. Not since Uncle Henry's and SaveOnMeats shut down have I had a burger as good and as honest as this. And the fries were near perfect too. Magic. And I hope I haven't doomed them by raving about them here.

Save On Meats

There exists in Vancouver the legend of the Save On Meats burger. Anyone who purports to know a thing or two about hamburgers in Vancouver will lament the loss of the original Save On Meats lunch counter. I was lucky enough to experience three times, maybe four, before it shut down for good.

Lifer servers and cooks worked that counter producing the holy grail of burgers, juicy but not overcooked, on a perfect bun, served with delicious fries made golden with fresh grease. It truly was the best burger I've ever had. Ever. Had. And it was sad to see it go.

And then this guy named Mark Brand steps in and signs a bazillion year long lease and promised to (or was forced to, depending on who you talk to) make a business that paid homage to the original Save On Meats. I hoped, nay, prayed that would be a good thing.

Firstly, though it seems like a real life diner, the original was nothing like this. It's not even a reasonable facsimile. It's a saccharine version, romanticized, with signs promising the option for you to "build your perfect burger" but if you were to ask to be able to do such a thing your server will tell you that's not possible, you will get the burger they bring you. The original also didn't have a gaggle of hip lunch counter types clogging up every available seat while a second gaggle of hipsters check their iPhones while waiting in line for the next available booth.

I think one of the things that bothers me the most about the new Save On Meats is that they call their burger "'THE' Burger" which it is anything but. I also don't like that they give no indication of what comes on the burger beyond bacon and cheese.

They are clear about one thing though, that the name Save On Meats is a license to print money.

So here's the burger. When the menu says it comes with cheese they mean they take pinch of grated cheese and dump it lightly on the burger. There's hardly enough to take a picture of never mind taste. And the bacon is paper thin and flavourless. The one thing they do give you in grand quantities is bun. The bun is the unsung hero of any good burger, kind of like the drummer in a band. Many might think the drummer an expendable commodity, a guy that hangs around with musicians, something that accompanies the guys who actually make the music. Like the bun, it's simply a vehicle for delivering the meat and toppings and can be discounted for its secondary roll. Not true. The bun can make or break a burger. The most delicious ground chuck, thick, melted cheese, home made ketchup, perfectly translucent fried onions, can all be wasted if the bun is too thick, too dry, too soft.

Save On Meats takes a thick bun that's out of proportion to the slim patty and is quite dry and actually has a flavour that overpowers that of the meat and toppings. I'd call it a bad compliment to the rest of the burger if the rest of the burger wasn't also a disappointment. The patty was thin and dry. The toppings tasteless. The suggestion that there's cheese on it is a joke. I found myself adding a generous dose of mustard so that the inside of my mouth wasn't sucked dry by the bun and to give the burger some flavour.

I was reminded as I expressed my disappointment that the burger was only $6 but a good deal is only a good deal, though, if you enjoy what you're buying. I didn't feel ripped off. I just thought the burger was worth what I paid for it. I'd rather pay a buck or two more and get something better. For $6 I'd have been better off loading up on double cheeseburgers at McDonald's.

I've read the reviews. I know a lot of people are raving about the new Save On Meats burger but I just don't see it. Cheap or not, the burger just isn't that good. I wish it was.

Of Lambs and Lions...

It hurt to review the burger at the Three Lions Cafe on Broadway at Ontario. It hurt because the food at Three Lions is generally pretty good. Why would I order a burger over bangers and mash? Or curry chips? But it would appear I'm on a mission to find excellent burgers in Vancouver and so I invested in the lamb burger. With cheese.

I already knew the food here was generally pretty good so I had high expectations for the burger too. That could work against it, the expectations. The burger almost needs to be brilliant just to live up to the preconceived notion of it being "good."

The waitress copped to being a vegetarian when I asked her if the lamb was worth the extra buck. She had to fetch someone else off the staff to give me an honest opinion. He said, "Yes. Yes it is," and then mumbled something about Guiness and cheese and juicy and gravy. It was all a blur but the one thing that was clear was that he liked this burger and his like of it seemed genuine.

These pictures don't do the burger justice. That gravy infused cheese was hypnotic. It seemed forever deep and impossibly beautiful in its spectrum of dark meaty delight to golden cheesy lightness. Biting into it all was a pleasure. The bun was soft as a plush busom and had a perfect neutrality to it that didn't compete with the flavours it was a vessel for. Fresh tomatoes and crisp greens as subtle companions made for a nicely balanced relationship between burger and condiments. It would appear the patty has been touched by caring human hands and not the product of a lab or assembly line.

Is it burger perfection? Not quite. It wasn't too expensive. It was deliciously prepared. I'd have another in a heartbeat. I will say that the idea of a lamb burger seems a little pretentious for what a burger represents. There are any number of four star chefs that have turned their attention to burgers at one point or another making them out of Kobe beef or similar in an effort to find the burger to rule all burgers but that may be too much. A burger should be made of beef. I think the best beef patty will be greasier and less "delicious" than a lamb patty but in the spirit of a good hamburger I think the beef patty would be more soulful to eat, if that makes sense. I'd like to go back to to Three Lions Cafe and try a beef burger. I don't think it comes with the acid trip cheese and gravy treatment but I bet it's a better burger than this one, and this one was pretty damned good.

A Beautiful Thing

Let's not be snobs here. Hamburgers are far from a high brow item. They are an accessible and reasonably affordable way to produce a portable and easily prepared food item. There have been others and depending on where you live the other forms of quickly made food items may still reign supreme. In New York you'd be eating a slice of pizza, or in San Francisco you'd be eating burritos or fish tacos. In Paris it would be ham and cheese baguette sandwiches. Toronto is home to the widest spread network of hot dog vendor carts in the world. But the award for ubiquity most definitely goes to burgers. With rare exceptions it is the chosen battle ground for the plethora of fast food purveyors on this continent and none of this suggests for a second that a fast food burger is necessarily a bad burger. If anyone should have figured out how to make something nearly perfectly it would be someone who has sold millions or billions of said item.

So Harvey's, what do you have for us?

Made to order is a good start. You'll see burgers half cooking away in anticipation of a burger rush and maybe some fries in the hopper slowly drying out under heat lamps but these are sins you afford a fast food chain because you're more likely to tolerate a slightly less glistening golden french fry than an extra two minutes waiting in line to be fed. The burgers, however, are never under heat lamps or in warming trays which puts Harvey's ahead of a lot of other fast food restaurants and they make each one to order. Sure, other places will, or at least can, do that for you to but it's off in a secret bunker deep in the kitchen behind a wall of beeping stainless steel machines and computer screens relaying complex orders to a small army of pimply faced teens working like ants to bring the ingredients to each order neatly into a small paper bag that will transport it to your car efficiently. You can ask for pickles at other places but at Harvey's you get to play Temporary Restaurant Manager and direct the one lowly worker to put an extra pickle on your burger, or lots of ketchup but just a little mustard. It's a small thing but it's a good thing.

It's a beautiful thing.

The other thing that is great about Harvey's is you can get onion rings with your burger instead of fries. I suppose that's only a big deal if you like onion rings. Or if you've for some dumb reason decided to start reviewing burgers and have eaten more fries than you would normally enjoy over a couple of weeks.

Of course "presentation" suffers a bit in the fast food world.

I guess one of the reasons I've decided to discuss a fast food burger so early in this blog is so others have a frame of reference. If I say I love this burger and you hate it (because you've more likely tried it than a burger from some joint on Granville) you'll get an idea of where I'm coming from.

I like this burger.

Harvey's has it figured out. I've had better burgers, yes, but for consistency, balance of flavours, juiciness, bun consistency, etc, (or "extra etc." if your taste is so inclined) (I mean, who puts "etc" on a burger?) (I suppose it would have easier to just backspace "etc" out of that sentence, but it's important that you know I don't take this too seriously, "etc" is just about the worst descriptor one could put into a review, the onus is on the reviewer to identify specifics, not grand gestures about whatever may or may not be a part of whatever it is being reviewed etc.) oh yeah, burger review, the Harvey's burger is a very pleasant experience. They've nailed the balance between patty and bun and their ingredients are fresh, the cheese is cheesie, and at $8.19 for a classic cheeseburger with onion rings and a drink it isn't outrageously expensive either.

I will point out that they burned my bun a bit. I guess that adds a human element to a big corporate burger making machine. They haven't done it to me before and maybe they'll never do it to me again. If only they knew the pressure they were under to produce a perfect burger for a review they might not have made this mistake this time either. Oh well.